Reality hits...hard

Waking up on the Sunday (09/12) I thought that it had been just a horrible dream (another cliche I know but I like them) but 1- I didn't really wake up, opening your eyes after having them 'shut' doesn't count as waking and 2- the horrible reality set in. Whilst trying to get some sleep I had been thinking of when we used to stay at Julie's as children. Our cousin Ben had the right idea that saturday night, going out & not facing us all which to be fair I don't blame him! But I remembered when we was staying there and Ben told Lauren that he had jumped out of his bedroom window into the flower bed and squashed all the flowers. She actually believed him too & it made me laugh at how gullible she is. Then there was the time Grandma took the three of us shopping to Illford and fell ill whilst we was shopping and we all found it hilarious that Grandma got ill in Illford... the time when we were playing 'Jurassic Park' & when Ben locked us in the garden and I hit my eye on the metal hose piping and Lee told me off & not Ben... when we stayed in their old flat & we put the camp bed up against Ben's bunk bed & was using it as a slide when Julie shouts "I hope your not using the slide as a bed", "No" we reply as we all bundle into a giggling pile.

Anyway... the reminiscing soon ended when I looked at my phone to see messages from friends asking what had happened as they had heard rumours and then looking at Lauren's phone she had messages from a few of the girls asking if "She was ok?" which brought me back to earth with a big fat bump. I realised that it was going to be down to me to tell her friends what had happened. The first text I read was from her friend, Lauren Rumens. It said something like "Stav are you ok? x x x" and I was like what do I reply? Its not something you want to send in a text but at the same time I couldn't face talking to anyone so I just replied "I don't know what you've heard but Lauren had a fall friday night, has fractured her skull in 3 places, has bleeding on the brain & last night we had it confirmed she was paralised from the waist down." Arguably one of the worst texts you could receive huh? All I can say is I'm grateful Lauren has friends like Rumens as she passed the message around to the girls so I didn't have to repeat the same message and the support from the girls since that Sunday morning is something words can't even describe.

Going downstairs after speaking to Rumens, it was like somebody had died. Julie & Mum smoking but not talking, Lee faffing around, Sophie in a daze and Dad had gone. He rung me to say he had driven home and would meet us back at the hospital. Why he drove home I don't know! I decided to go for a walk round the corner for some air and thought I need to tell the girls at work what happened. Lauren's friends out of work knew but the girls from work didn't and I thought to myself they can't go to work Monday morning and hear through second hand gossip! I thought I had pulled myself together to ring Kyria but as soon as she answered and said "Hello?" my voice just went and I stuttered out what had happened, where Lauren was and how serious it was. After speaking to Kyria I went back to Julie's and waited to go to Kings. I was laying on the bed and Sophie was sitting on the floor and she kept trying to talk to me, asking if I was ok, wanting to talk about Lauren and in my head I was thinking I can't talk about it, I don't want to talk about.Thinking back now I knew if I spoke I would just break down and not stop crying and I didn't want to do that because Lauren needed me to be strong.

Mark and Phillip (Dads brother) turned up and we began the trek back over to Kings. We arrived and Mary & her family was in the relatives room again. Whilst waiting we got talking to them a little bit more and I realised I had been too quick to judge. One of the lads, Darren, set up his I-pad and put the football on. It was quite comical to see 6 grown men crowded round an Ipad, escaping the reality of what was going on for those 90minutes. Eventually, we were allowed into the ward and Lauren was sleeping. She looked so peaceful that I didn't want to wake her, but I did anyway :) She was saying how much pain she was in and that her 'legs were on fire' and she wanted flannels put over her to put the fire out. We all took it in turns to see her as you was only allowed two by her bed at a time. The HDU ward felt like it was a holding ground for the dead. I know it sounds awful to say but Lauren was probably the healthiest on that ward and thats saying something considering how bad she was. The other patients just looked like they were knocking on heavens door and I thought I don't want her to end up like that!

As the day went on and over the next few days I started receiving more messages from people who had heard what had happened, all really saying the same thing "How are you... I don't know what to say... If you need anything you know where I am... love to you all". My replies just felt robotic- "Yes I'm fine.. nobody knows what to say.. thank you". I mean I couldn't exactly reply 'No I'm not fine' because words didn't really explain how I was feeling so I suppose it was just easier to say "I'm fine". Everybody knows that when someone says that they aren't really fine anyway! There was only one person who I wanted a hug from and to tell me everything would be ok and that was my big sister...

Dad and I travelled back to Folkestone sunday night. I said to Lauren I wouldn't be up the next day. The guilt of leaving her was horrendous but I knew it was the best thing to do to have a day away to get myself together. What use would I be to Lauren if I couldn't look at her without crying? Mum was staying with Julie and Sophie was staying at her cousins. Walking past Lauren's room that night and knowing that she wasn't going to be home was like another slap with reality. I endured another sleepless night and must have dropped of at some point though because I was woken by crying. I realised it was my Dad. If there's one person in the world you never expect to see/hear cry then its your Dad. He was like a broken man. Anyone who knows Dad will know that he is incapable of walking normally, he justs bounces around everywhere, he can't talk at a normal tone, he shouts, he is just constantly on the go and well flaps around everywhere. The first couple of weeks following the accident he was completely different. He hardly spoke and actually walked! Lauren and I always used to moan at how loud he was but I would have given anything to hear him making his cup of tea in the morning. Thankfully he is now back to the Dad we both love to moan about but I know I speak for Lauren as well now when I say give us that Dad any day :)

I spent the Monday up my nans. I think no matter how old you get, going to your nans is always a comfort and can make you feel that tiny bit better. I just watched all the daytime tv while nan and grandad were talking about Lauren. I was fine until Sara-Jane (Mums sister) turned up and hugged me but instead of showing it I just repeated "Yea I'm ok". We spoke to Mum but nothing had changed with Lauren. She was still drugged up, in pain and not knowing what was going on. She hadn't got any worse though so that was small comfort. I left nans and got home. I was tempted to turn around and go back to nans because the house was just cold and empty, its like it knew something had happened. I'm one of these people that will keep my emotions to myself and keep everything bottled up- Kyria once said to me I'm like a volcano just waiting to erupt sometimes and on this occassion she was right. My friend came round to keep me company and as soon as I started talking I just broke down. I trust him with my life so I think thats what made it easier to let go. Three days worth of emotions, anger and tears all came out. I said something like "She's never going to stand hungover in my doorway again". He replied to me that I can't think like that and I suppose its true, she might not be able to stand hungover but I'm sure she will one day sit hungover again in my doorway ;)