There are two ways you can get through pain,
you can let it destroy you,
or you can use it as a fuel
to drive you to dream bigger and work harder.
Ever feel like no matter how hard you work and how hard you push and how hard you fight for your dream that there is always something waiting to pounce on you when you least expect it....I'm talking about neuropathic pain, the worst type of pain I have ever experienced ( ok so the break in spinal cord hurt but I can't remember that)
So I can not feel my right leg and foot yet I am feeling the most excruciating pain ever in my right foot... Figure that out?! I am used to a tingle of pain which I get most days but for the past week it has been so bad that I have had the night staff call doctors out on 3 separate nights and referred for an X-ray.The third doctor actually listened to me and allowed me to have a dose of morphine, instead of just saying take tramadol, now it didn't make the pain go completely but it made it more manageable.
Today (4th March) the pain has come bright and early, as if to say, 'ha you can handle me at night, now lets see how you cope during the day' smug bastard! Epic fail today, back in bed by 11.30am, tried to stay up longer and do things to keep me busy, but it was so sharp and intense it was useless.
I Feel like no matter how hard I try it is jut not good enough. I am useless at handling pain anyway, this accident hasn't made me into some super human who can handle anything. I'm still me, still the same person..
Today was another one of them days where I put on my face and my fake smile and my fake laugh is down to a T. I remember using the fake laugh once on one of my friends and she turned round and was like 'Stav that was your fake laugh' oops. Here tho noone knows me so it's easy, smile, laugh, joke basically anything to get them on side and to leave me alone. I managed it for 3 months, until today.
Behind that smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes is a whole different person, one that rarely makes an appearance. That smile let me down today and the tears came, once they started they didn't stop.
So many questions.... Why? How? What can be done? Does it get easer? Is it forever? Never given a straight answer... Frustrated, I have learnt the best way to get answers is to speak to the patients and not ask the doctors or consultants as let's face it, how do they actually know.They have learnt from a textbook. They have never felt the pain. I am told by ex patients that the pain never really goes away but you learn to cope with the pain better as time goes on....( great just what I want to hear) so now the tears fall even harder not only do I have to spent the rest of my life in a wheelchair, I now have to manage the pain that comes with it. I sit here and wonder what on earth I did to deserve this life, they say life is'nt fair well guess what it really isn't. I think why me? Just when everything in my life was going so well and then in a matter of seconds I'm fighting for my life. I sit here and wonder why on earth I even agreed to let them treat me as surly death is better than living like this?! That would of been the easy option to choose, what I would give to be peaceful and pain free. I don't want to live like this, dreams of walking down the isle on my wedding day-gone along with plenty of other dreams and plans. I find myself drifting back to the quote used to describe death.
"Your so lucky" " it could of been worse" are two of my pet hate sayings, I feel like shouting back ' how could it of been worse'.
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