I will never walk again. Mr Derry's words to me

The most painful goodbyes are the ones never said,

                                    But the heart already knows it over....

 'Lets be honest Lauren,you will never walk out of here, but you will go out a lot better than what you arrived in'  Dr Derry Spinal consultant and surgeon (4th Jan 2013)

Look at the date that statement was written, nearly a full month after my fall. So lets rewind.

I remember waking in Kings and my legs wouldn't move, I couldn't move,I don't remember feeling any sort of panicky feeling. I just knew my legs weren't working. I started asking indirect questions about my legs and feet because I wanted to know if I began asking these questions would they be honest with the answers ,because nobody was was saying anything about my legs. Looking back it seemed like a really taboo subject.  I even got Sophie to massage cream into my feet, ha and my feet aren't the nicest things I inherited from the family, I blame dad. Anyway back on track..... I couldn't feel a thing, not the touch, nor the motion of massage, no sensation, was the cream hot or cold? I still don't know to this day.

I waited and waited for someone for bring it up with me, to clarify what I was thinking and nobody did. Phone back in hand, oh yes :) having a browse on Facebook ( being as drugged up as I was you still need a Facebook fix) and scrolling through the news feed and there it was in black and white..."Lauren will never walk again" So that was it,well its nice to know I can't walk again, didn't anyone think to tell me. Then I gave the phone to Sophie to read out the paragraph to mum as I couldn't, what a way to have my worst fears confirmed to me through facebook of all things. Still after that outburst no doctor/nurse and whoever else wears a uniform, came to see me. I don't remember feeling any sort emotion about this until I reached rehab on the 3rd January 2013. Which I will now share with you.

Mr Derry came to a see me on the 4th January 2013 and turned out to be a brutally honest and straight to the point guy, he relayed the above sentence to me ",Lets be honest Lauren,you will never walk out of here, but you will go out a lot better than what you arrived in" that's  when it hit me, tears were pouring down my face as I listened on , the words you never want to be put together in a sentence, the moment I realised that this nightmare is real and I am living it.

 I knew at that moment when he said the above words that I am NEVER going to walk again. I can not describe what emotions went through my mind?what, how, why, no not me. Amongst them thoughts was 'I am never going to the priz again '. How could my life change so much in a matter of hours? It's not fair! I even debated not to go out that night, why didn't I just say no. It's all my fault, I caused this to happen just because I didn't bail on my works Christmas meal. I felt sick, how am I ever going to live my life again, I couldn't picture it. I was and still am scared. My world fell apart.

I don't think the reality of it has sunk in, I dont think it ever will. I wouldn't say I have fully accepted what has happened but its done and I have to deal with it, what other choice do I have.  

I have never lost anything so precious to me, yet I have lost my old life and that in its self takes time to grieve something which I haven't fully mastered yet. Part of me is still clinging on too my past. I look back now and realise I had a pretty perfect life ( not that I ever realised it at the time)and now I face a future which I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I never said goodbye to my legs because as the quote says in my heart I already knew my legs had gone way before I spoke with Mr Derry.