"Death must be so beautiful.To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head and listen to silence. To have no yesterday and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace" (Oscar Wilde).
Its funny what goes through your mind when you come so close to losing someone. The paramedics who brought Lauren to WHH said that she was lucky to be alive and if the men hadn't have found her when they did she would have frozen to death. Sitting in a hospital room for hours on end makes you think of morbid thoughts. It was hard enough going home knowing Lauren was in pain and being unable to walk again but I imagined what would have happened if she hadn't have been found. The phone call would have been 100time worse for a start, the deafencing silence would have deadly and the house would have had an icy chill. I envisaged her funeral and what I would wear. I'd wear a yellow dress as thats her favourite colour and is bright and happy, a celebration of her life, with a fancy fascinator as I knew that would have made her laugh. The only hymn she knows is 'All Things Bright & Beautiful' so we would sing that before playing a medley of Westlife and Take That songs to a photo slideshow of Lauren and then finally her favourite song 'Rule the World' would end the service. I thought her being in Kings would mean that this would stay in my head and never play out in reality...how very nearly wrong I was.
The next few days following the accident passed by in a blur. We would wake up, get to Kings for 2 and then take it in turns to sit with Lauren. She was asleep most of the time and when she was awake she didn't really know what was being said. When we weren't sitting with Lauren we would be in the family room eating our way through the tins of sweets and biscuits Mark's mum had sent up. The doctors then gave us some worrying news. They were now more concerned with her head wound. The damage to her back was done, it was irreversible but the head wound hadn't begun to heal and was still bleeding. They were worried about infections because Lauren wouldn't let them change the sheets and pillow she had as it hurt her too much to be moved. The nurses had managed to get half of the bloody sheet off and put a clean sheet on one side but she still looked like she was laying on some grotty hospital bed in a poor Eastern European Country with the bloody sheet peaking out from under her head. The nurses had been unable to clean the wound too since she had been in Kings which again wasn't going to help it heal and the internal bleeding hadn't slowed either.
We all tried to get Lauren to let them change her bed but our pleas fell on deaf ears. She has always been a stubborn cow but she seemed to be more stubborn than ever! As well as not allowing the nurses to clean the sheets, she was also kicking up a fuss when it came to having injections and blood tests. She's always had a phobia of needles and won't go to the doctors in fear of them sending her for a blood test and this hadn't changed. She had forgotten a fair bit but soon remembered her phobia when they attempted to take her blood. Knowing of her phobia of needles I had once tested our 'sister-ship' and asked her (before the accident) that if I needed a bone marrow transplant and she was my only match would she get over her fear of needles to save my life. Her reply "Of course I would silly". So I said to her in Kings "Do you remember when you said you would get over your fear off needles to save my life, well now is the time to get over your fear to save your own life". She nodded and little tears seeped out of her eyes when she whispered "I would for you but I can't for myself". I'm pretty sure my already broken heart broke into a few more pieces at that comment.
So this refusal of treatment continued for a few days as well as a refusal to eat anything. She had a drip in her hand which was obviously helping her but she hadn't eaten for almost a week so that was causing her to get weaker and not stronger. It then got worse when she said to Mum one day "Give me something so I can sign to say I don't want any further treatment". To hear that and to know that my sister seemed to have given up was devastating.
She was assessed by psychiatrists and psycologists arrived to talk to her and she was diagnosed as being 'mentally aware' so she knew exactly what she was saying and the eventual consequences. It was so frustrating, if she was under 18 or was assessed as being mentally unfit and needed to be 'sectioned' then Mum and Dad would be allowed to give the doctors permission for whatever they needed to do but no Lauren was an adult, it was her choice. All we could do was try to get her to accept the help. I tried, Dad tried, Mum, Sophie and Julie all did. Our Uncle Alan (Dads brother) arrived and he too tried but to no avail.
One night we were all sitting in the family room as Mum and Dad were talking to the consultant about Lauren's back operation when Dad just burst into the room, interrupting the calmess, and said "Lauren will die if she doesn't let them help her in the next couple of days.. You will lose a niece, you will lose a friend, you will lose your sister and I will lose my big girl". A stunned silence followed and I just wanted the ground to swallow me up right there. Dad wanted to basically rally the troops and get anyone and everyone up to the hospital who might be able to change her mind. About half hour later Dad arrived back with relief on his face. Confused we was like "what?!" and well he decription of what happened next is funny in a way. The consultant had apparently lost his temper with Lauren, took off expensive suit jacket, threw it on the chair and well didn't so much shout at Lauren but told her forcefully that he was going to give her an injection and he was going to look at her head and she was going to let him without a fuss and miraculously she allowed him. We don't know if it was the dramatics of the doctor or she had finally realised she wanted the help but either way the doctor saved her life from his bluntness with the reality of the situation and I could finally leave my 'funeral imagery' behind...
Waking up on the Sunday (09/12) I thought that it had been just a horrible dream (another cliche I know but I like them) but 1- I didn't really wake up, opening your eyes after having them 'shut' doesn't count as waking and 2- the horrible reality set in. Whilst trying to get some sleep I had been thinking of when we used to stay at Julie's as children. Our cousin Ben had the right idea that saturday night, going out & not facing us all which to be fair I don't blame him! But I remembered when we was staying there and Ben told Lauren that he had jumped out of his bedroom window into the flower bed and squashed all the flowers. She actually believed him too & it made me laugh at how gullible she is. Then there was the time Grandma took the three of us shopping to Illford and fell ill whilst we was shopping and we all found it hilarious that Grandma got ill in Illford... the time when we were playing 'Jurassic Park' & when Ben locked us in the garden and I hit my eye on the metal hose piping and Lee told me off & not Ben... when we stayed in their old flat & we put the camp bed up against Ben's bunk bed & was using it as a slide when Julie shouts "I hope your not using the slide as a bed", "No" we reply as we all bundle into a giggling pile.
Anyway... the reminiscing soon ended when I looked at my phone to see messages from friends asking what had happened as they had heard rumours and then looking at Lauren's phone she had messages from a few of the girls asking if "She was ok?" which brought me back to earth with a big fat bump. I realised that it was going to be down to me to tell her friends what had happened. The first text I read was from her friend, Lauren Rumens. It said something like "Stav are you ok? x x x" and I was like what do I reply? Its not something you want to send in a text but at the same time I couldn't face talking to anyone so I just replied "I don't know what you've heard but Lauren had a fall friday night, has fractured her skull in 3 places, has bleeding on the brain & last night we had it confirmed she was paralised from the waist down." Arguably one of the worst texts you could receive huh? All I can say is I'm grateful Lauren has friends like Rumens as she passed the message around to the girls so I didn't have to repeat the same message and the support from the girls since that Sunday morning is something words can't even describe.
Going downstairs after speaking to Rumens, it was like somebody had died. Julie & Mum smoking but not talking, Lee faffing around, Sophie in a daze and Dad had gone. He rung me to say he had driven home and would meet us back at the hospital. Why he drove home I don't know! I decided to go for a walk round the corner for some air and thought I need to tell the girls at work what happened. Lauren's friends out of work knew but the girls from work didn't and I thought to myself they can't go to work Monday morning and hear through second hand gossip! I thought I had pulled myself together to ring Kyria but as soon as she answered and said "Hello?" my voice just went and I stuttered out what had happened, where Lauren was and how serious it was. After speaking to Kyria I went back to Julie's and waited to go to Kings. I was laying on the bed and Sophie was sitting on the floor and she kept trying to talk to me, asking if I was ok, wanting to talk about Lauren and in my head I was thinking I can't talk about it, I don't want to talk about.Thinking back now I knew if I spoke I would just break down and not stop crying and I didn't want to do that because Lauren needed me to be strong.
Mark and Phillip (Dads brother) turned up and we began the trek back over to Kings. We arrived and Mary & her family was in the relatives room again. Whilst waiting we got talking to them a little bit more and I realised I had been too quick to judge. One of the lads, Darren, set up his I-pad and put the football on. It was quite comical to see 6 grown men crowded round an Ipad, escaping the reality of what was going on for those 90minutes. Eventually, we were allowed into the ward and Lauren was sleeping. She looked so peaceful that I didn't want to wake her, but I did anyway :) She was saying how much pain she was in and that her 'legs were on fire' and she wanted flannels put over her to put the fire out. We all took it in turns to see her as you was only allowed two by her bed at a time. The HDU ward felt like it was a holding ground for the dead. I know it sounds awful to say but Lauren was probably the healthiest on that ward and thats saying something considering how bad she was. The other patients just looked like they were knocking on heavens door and I thought I don't want her to end up like that!
As the day went on and over the next few days I started receiving more messages from people who had heard what had happened, all really saying the same thing "How are you... I don't know what to say... If you need anything you know where I am... love to you all". My replies just felt robotic- "Yes I'm fine.. nobody knows what to say.. thank you". I mean I couldn't exactly reply 'No I'm not fine' because words didn't really explain how I was feeling so I suppose it was just easier to say "I'm fine". Everybody knows that when someone says that they aren't really fine anyway! There was only one person who I wanted a hug from and to tell me everything would be ok and that was my big sister...
Dad and I travelled back to Folkestone sunday night. I said to Lauren I wouldn't be up the next day. The guilt of leaving her was horrendous but I knew it was the best thing to do to have a day away to get myself together. What use would I be to Lauren if I couldn't look at her without crying? Mum was staying with Julie and Sophie was staying at her cousins. Walking past Lauren's room that night and knowing that she wasn't going to be home was like another slap with reality. I endured another sleepless night and must have dropped of at some point though because I was woken by crying. I realised it was my Dad. If there's one person in the world you never expect to see/hear cry then its your Dad. He was like a broken man. Anyone who knows Dad will know that he is incapable of walking normally, he justs bounces around everywhere, he can't talk at a normal tone, he shouts, he is just constantly on the go and well flaps around everywhere. The first couple of weeks following the accident he was completely different. He hardly spoke and actually walked! Lauren and I always used to moan at how loud he was but I would have given anything to hear him making his cup of tea in the morning. Thankfully he is now back to the Dad we both love to moan about but I know I speak for Lauren as well now when I say give us that Dad any day :)
I spent the Monday up my nans. I think no matter how old you get, going to your nans is always a comfort and can make you feel that tiny bit better. I just watched all the daytime tv while nan and grandad were talking about Lauren. I was fine until Sara-Jane (Mums sister) turned up and hugged me but instead of showing it I just repeated "Yea I'm ok". We spoke to Mum but nothing had changed with Lauren. She was still drugged up, in pain and not knowing what was going on. She hadn't got any worse though so that was small comfort. I left nans and got home. I was tempted to turn around and go back to nans because the house was just cold and empty, its like it knew something had happened. I'm one of these people that will keep my emotions to myself and keep everything bottled up- Kyria once said to me I'm like a volcano just waiting to erupt sometimes and on this occassion she was right. My friend came round to keep me company and as soon as I started talking I just broke down. I trust him with my life so I think thats what made it easier to let go. Three days worth of emotions, anger and tears all came out. I said something like "She's never going to stand hungover in my doorway again". He replied to me that I can't think like that and I suppose its true, she might not be able to stand hungover but I'm sure she will one day sit hungover again in my doorway ;)
So it was now a case of just waiting for the doctor at WHH to hear back from Kings to confirm they had a bed for Lauren. She got moved onto a ward so at least we didn't have to sit in the cold A&E department. Whilst waiting Mum & Dad were on the phone to different people and I was thinking what happened? All we knew was that two men found Lauren at the bottom of some steps and had phoned an ambulance. Had she fallen or had she been attacked? We just didn't know and Lauren didn't know either. We spoke to some of the people who had been with her that night & seemed to piece together she decided to go home & walked back up the Road of Rememberance and that was the last they saw/heard from her until they heard the news the next day. I know it isn't good to dwell on 'what if' but I just kept thinking what if Lauren had never have gone out that night, what if she had carried on walking down the road & got a taxi at the bottom, what if she had called it a night after her meal, what if she didn't have to drink that night, what if she had just called me & I could have gone to pick her up, what if the people that were with her had not left her.... but the what if that tortured me the most & still haunts me this day was the what if I had also been out that night, as I had received a text earlier in the evening to see if I wanted to go out but I said no due to going to London the next day, then I would have seen Lauren & made sure she got home safely. I still got my trip to London just for all the wrong reasons...
It was about 11am that we got told Lauren would be going to Kings asap and to get ready to leave. Mum went in the ambulance with her & Dad, Sophie & I left in the car. The drive up the motorway wasn't too bad but as soon as we hit London it was just a nightmare! It was something stupid like 8miles from the motorway exit to the hospital but it took us over an hour to drive it. We saw the ambulance go past us so knew Lauren was there. We finally reached the hospital car park & realised we didn't have a clue where to go. We went in the Jubilee Entrance to be told that they didn't know where she was! Thankfully Mum called and said to go to the A&E department. I just remember thinking wow this hospital is massive & it just looked impressive from the outside & I thought this is the best place for my sister.
We finally found A&E and it was like we was in our very own epsiode of 'Casualty'. Nurses & doctors bustling around, machines beeping everywhere and their actual A&E ward was huge with the latest technology & then there was Lauren. Looking tiny on her bed, with a spinal board and the head support looking petrified. It was now a case of just waiting again as Kings wanted to do their own scan and there was also a mix up over the beds because they couldn't locate the doctor who WHH spoke to. Dad's sister, Julie, then arrived as she lives not far from London, and we all just waited. Nobody really spoke and we just sat in a deafening silence for what felt like hours, taking it in turns to go & sit with Lauren. Finally about 6pm the doctor had found her a bed in HDU on the Kinnier Wilson ward.
They moved Lauren up & we sat in the family room on the ward whilst they were sorting out Lauren's bed and the machines. There was already a family in the room and my first thought was OMG really? They were so loud and bubbly, the girl who was about our age, was talking about where she was going on her night out, two guys were playing a game on the I-pad and the mum was chatting away. I just wanted to shout at them & be like how can you be happy, my sister is practically dead in there and your being so loud, so normal! I regret thinking that now though because Mary & her family were actually lovely and made our time in Kings, now fun isn't the right word, but they were easy to talk to which is what you want when your cooped up in a room for 8hours a day!
Finally we was allowed in to see Lauren. She looked so scared and I felt so helpless as there was nothing I could do. She said she hated it and then I started to cry. She then whispered to me "Don't cry Lilly" and I was like I'm not I'm just tired. She attempted a little smile which didn't help the tears. I left her then and we decided that Sophie & I would go back with Julie as there was nothing more we could do at the hospital and Mum & Dad would wait until the consultant turned up to speak to them.
Back at Julie's, her husband Lee, was there trying to force us to eat something and have a shower as it would make us feel better. The shower did but the beans on toast didn't. I just played around with my food when my phone rung again. I swear even now when my phone rings and it displays "Dad" my heart stops & I dread whats coming next. Dad started to talk & I said "No, tell Julie I don't want to hear it" and Dad was like no you are hearing this from me. Which was simply the consultant had been round and confirmed she had severed her spinal cord and was paralised from the waist down. I just sat there, numb, whilst Julie spoke to Dad not knowing what to say or what to do. Mum & Dad then turned up at Julie's but nobody really spoke. Dad sat with Lee watching Match of the Day I think & then I went up to bed just so I didn't have to be with anyone and I just thought how can life change so dramatically in just 24hours...
My first attempt at 'blogging'. My life changed dramtically back on the 8th December 2012 when I had accident, subsequently severing my spine resulting in being paralised from the waist down- But I will get to that a little later. As I was drifting in & out of consciousness for the first few weeks following the accident I have left it down to my sister, Leah, to write my story from the beginning... enjoy xx
It was approximately half hour past midnight on Saturday 8th December when I got the phone call that would change all our lives forever (cliché I know). I was asleep and at first I thought I dreamt my phone ringing and subconsciously I picked it up to see a voicemail from our Dad. All it said was "Ring me". Confused I rung straight away, I mean who leaves a voicemail at 1 in the morning if its not important? Dad answered and the conversation is a bit of a blur but he said something like "The police have called, your sister is in hospital, don't panic I'm on my way to William Harvey now, stay at home". In my panic I called my mum and passed the message on and she too said stay at home. I remember sitting on my bed, with our cat, Frankie, in a daze at what to do. It took me all of about a minute to decide the hospital is where I needed to be so I threw some clothes on, jumped in my car and drove the worst journey I have ever driven...
I was first to arrive at WHH and went straight to A&E. Before I even reached the receptionist I could hear Lauren screaming. They directed me in the ward and to Lauren. She was in agony, shouting, screaming, begging for help, crying that her legs were in pain, blood pouring out of her head. When she saw it was me there she calmed down and just kept saying "Leah help me, Leah help me..." It was heartbreaking, how could I help my sister when I didn't know how to? Mum, Dad & Mark (Mums Finace) soon arrived & spoke to the doctors who said they wanted to get Lauren in for an x-ray & MRI scan. Lauren kept repeating that her legs were on fire and whilst trying to calm her I tiggled her feet. Now Lauren hates people touching/tiggling her feet & kicks out at the slightest touch but this time nothing. Not even a flicker. It was at the moment I knew something serious was wrong...
They then took her off to for her scans & x-rays and Mum and I waited outside. The screaming was horrible. Hearing someone you love in so much pain when you are unable to do anything is quite possibly the worst feeling in the world. Scans over we went back to wait for the results. Thankfully Lauren seemed a bit calmer now she had a drip in although she kept repeating those haunting words 'Leah, help me'. The doctor then came over to speak. At this point I had to leave as I suppose I was scared of what he was going to say. I went outside for fresh air and waited. As soon as I saw Dads face when they came out to find me I knew my worst fears were confirmed. Through broken sobs Dad uttered those fateful words "Your sister, broken spine, they don't think she will be able to walk again". I remember covering my ears and saying "No, No I don't want to hear it". They then started saying Lauren needed to get to Kings College Hospital in London for specialist help as soon as possible so the doctors set about arranging that and we began the long wait for further news...
