A Year On

‘Anybody who has gone through a life-changing experience will tell you there is a different understanding of what is real and what is important, and when you are going through different moments you can reflect and go, ‘ I have been through worse’

The past year has been one I will never forget and all for the wrong reasons. As December looms all I can think about is the 7th December- the date my life changed forever; my very own doomsday. It marks the year anniversary of when the accident happened. As December has got closer all I have thought about is 'this time last year..' I have no end to that sentence. 

The closer we have got to December I have become more inquisitive. Over the year I have not wanted to think about that night too much as it’s like mentally torturing myself. However, the closer we have got to that fateful night the more I have thought about it and the more questions I have asked. I have spoken to all my friends, asking them how they found out about the accident, who told them, how it was said. It appears Leah had the job of having to break that news to a few of them and ask them to in turn tell the rest of my friends. What a job for my little sister to have to do ay! I am still at a loss as to what actually happened that night. Not one piece has come back to me. My last memory is still walking into The View with Kieron. I know that it is probably for the best that I do not remember the actual fall and what happened after but there is part of me that does want to remember everything. The fall, the lying in the cold waiting to be found, being found, being taken to WHH, the pain, the screaming, the look of terror, worry & sadness on my parents & Leah’s faces when they arrived at A&E that night. The same questions of how did I fall? Why did my bag end up in a pub at the bottom of the hill? Who stole my money? Who found me? Most importantly though why was I on my own? How did I end up on my own? Why was I left throwing up, in the middle of December, by myself, instead of waiting for me? Questions I will not know the answers to but will always think about. I know Leah has found the last question the hardest. She said at the time she cannot comprehend how people just left a girl throwing up on her and still now she is looking for the answer.

Emotions are running high at this time of year. One minute I am fine, the next I seem to be having a mini breakdown. When I sit there and look back over the year, I can honestly say, I do not know how I have done it. People say I am an inspiration but really what is the alternative? Sit and wallow in depression, allow the ‘what ifs’ to swallow me up and ultimately give up? No. I have put simply ‘just got on with things’. When my family were first told the news I would never walk again they were told that I could be in rehab for up to a year. A whole year away from my life, my family, my friends. However, my stubbornness prevailed and on 27^th March, just 4 months after the accident I was home, well not home, but in my new home, my flat where my new life was just beginning. Second to my goal of getting home, was to return to work. Something I achieved on the 14^th May. Almost everybody said I was returning to work too soon. I mean here I was a girl, 25 years old, who had just had a life changing accident, couldn’t walk, mentally and emotionally at my lowest, returning to work which would just put added stress on me but honestly going back was the best thing I could have done. Those 8 hours I am in the office, I am there to work. The disabilities are forgotten, the chair is forgotten and I feel like my old self again. There is no time to dwell on the what ifs when I am in the office. It seems strange to say that I have been back at work for longer than the time I was off sick! The thing that keeps me going is a career. Just because I sit down does not mean I am going to stop pursuing a career.

So much has happened throughout the year. As I look back and reflect on the year and the previous blog entries, I realise how far I have come.  I have never known so much to happen in just one year; just thinking about it exhausts me. Along with everything else I have had to cope with my relationship has also broken down but can you really blame it? The accident threw a spanner in the works! Now I had to deal with living alone. I couldn’t go home to Leah & Dad because of the house so I was left with little choice. The thought of living on my own did and still does scare me. I think how on earth am I going to cope? What if I have a fall and I’m there by myself? But I am doing it now and so far so good. It is just another hurdle I have to overcome- all these hurdles I keep having to jump over I should be a pro at jumping them by now! I know that although I live alone there is always someone at the end of a text who would come round should I get into difficulty.

Another hurdle I have had to overcome is finding out who my true friends are. I was told at the beginning I would know who is a real friend and who is just an accomplice and its sad that this is the case. Yes I cannot walk but I am still me. My true friends have been amazing and they know who they are. My oldest school friends have always been the best support I could ever ask for. I have been a hermit lately, not wanting to go out because I haven’t felt like it so I haven’t seen my friends as much as I should have. However, I know that all I have to do is pick up the phone and they are there. They come round, we go out, they help me with my car, help me stand, help me with my exercises and also put up with my mood swings. The help and support I get from my friends has been phenomenal. What I have lost in other friends I have gained in forming stronger and better relationships with those I know will not let me down.

I am told that I need to focus on the positives but it is hard, so hard. What is positive about not being able to walk again? Being in a wheelchair is the hardest thing I have, and ever will, have to deal with. My biggest frustration is realising nothing takes 5 minutes anymore, rushing around, banging into things, will I fit through that door, and is there a toilet near? I cannot just pop to sainsburys anymore. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. So the positives of this year? Coming home, getting back to work, gaining the movement back in my legs, getting my car, transferring into my car on my own, living on my own but most importantly, the news my sister gave us back in April that she was expecting a baby. I was out with Leah & Abi for lunch one Saturday and she just sprung it on us. I didn’t believe her even though she showed us a scan with ‘Leah Staveley’ written on it. It seemed so surreal, my sister was going to be a mum and her bump just grew and grew and grew. It just didn’t stop growing. She was due on the 19^th December but baby Harry got bore and arrived on the 23^rd November. It’s a shame he couldn’t make it the 22^nd November as that would mean we had 4 birthdays in a row- my granddads, mine, and Jacks. The first time I held him was amazing. I haven’t smiled like that since before the accident. I love him.

This past year has been one that I quite frankly cannot wait to say goodbye to. I have gone through one of the worst life changing accidents a human being could have. There is no magic cure for paralysis. All I can do is adapt my old life to my new life and conquer the hurdles and challenges as and when they present themselves to me. It has been a difficult year and I have felt at my lowest. Constantly in pain. I try not to let it rule my life but it is hard. I didn’t even feel like celebrating my birthday this year. Not only was I coping with the upcoming anniversary, the doctors gave me the wrong medication in November so I was ill, had no appetite and was sick for pretty much the whole month. I then caught that awful sickness bug which left me feeling empty and more tired than usual.

A year ago, I was told the devastating news that I would not walk again and because my injury was so sever there is no chance of ay feeling or movement coming back to me. I have already said in one of the past blogs, that I had a flicker return in my left thigh, so tiny I had to hold my hand next to it so you could see it move. Now I have so much more movement in my left leg. It has got stronger and with daily exercises I can now start to move it against gravity. For example instead of just moving it up and down, I can drag my knee up into my chest. I have finally managed to get my right leg to so something. It is not huge but a few months ago my right leg did nothing and now I can get it to move and flicker. I am waiting to see Mr Derry for my year on appointment, this is where I have MRI scan, ultrasound and X-rays all carried out again to see if there is any chance since the last time I had them done. I am determined still to take a few steps and the only way I get to have a go at that is my using calipers (leg braces). The decision lies with Mr Derry. My future lies in the hands of one man. My consultant.

9 months on

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyse you, they're  supposed to help you discover who you are. "   Bernice Johnson reagon 

I believe the above statement is true, I am destined to be in a wheelchair and if it had not happened in December then it would of happened another day, another way.  Almost 9 months on now from that dreaded date and I feel at ease to say I am now discovering who I am.
A lot has happened since I last touched based here, so many thoughts and words to put onto here that they almost come out at once, making no sense, and containing a lot of typos. I have particularly found the past couple of months the hardest mentally, no one can prepare you for such a drastic change in your life. I have been through highs and lows, from feeling on top of the world knowing I can beat this disability to  feeling so isolated and sad that I randomly start crying, mumbling the words ' I hate this' or another favourite is ' I can't do this'.  If it wasn't for Sophie and Leah, I honestly do not know how I ever got out of them dark times, picked myself up and continued to plough on. I am forever in their debt, words will never be enough to thank them. They are my rock. As so is this blog, I love this blog. It creates a way for me to escape, express my feeling without being judged or questions. I can rant and vent all my anger out until I  give in exhausted and the best thing, it does nothing but take it.
I am now the proud owner of 2 kittens, Soph brought them as a surprise for me. Freddie and Rory have been with us now for couple of months and I hold my hands up and admit it, I have  turned into a cazy cat woman. Honestly they have helped me through the days at home, they have kept me company. The only people who will understand are the people with pets themselves, while others will read this and by the end will have one eyebrow raised as if to say 'what the f**k' lol.

I could continue writing and by the end me and you both will be n tears ( it doesn't take a lot). So deep breath......lets concentrate on he things I have achieved since I last spoke. Lets see, a new car, brand spanking 63 plate car. I was SO excited. I am missing driving so much, and to get back behind the wheel will give me so much more independence. 

Also used a aeroplane for the first time, flew to Dublin for Soph's birthday. This was a well needed break. I wouldn't normally choose a city break, I like my sun..ALOT. However I was sensible and took the flight as only am hour long so it wasn't too long, well I wouldn't know as I fell asleep as soon as I got settled on the plane, missed take off and was woken up when the lane landed.. Oops.

I took a trip back to Stoke for a 3 month checkup and what a complete waste of time that was, I have managed to get some movement back and was all proud to show my consultant, he's reaction - his eyes widened and I think, I hope he has an explanation, running through my head are all sorts he might suggest, when he says " Well we are not optimistic are we Lauren" what little faith I had in myself, in him disappeared. I know I am never going to walk again, but still after being told that I would never get anything back because my injury was to sever I thought I had done pretty well.


Following on from this, I kept a video diary of m progress, I have ordered crutches so I can force myself to stand using them at home, I got lucky at the doctors (not in that way haha) and he seemed amazed by my leg and has referred me to physio and a pain management clinic so I can get the help  need, I am so excited and relived that finally someone understating. Eeeeek!!!!!!!!i have uploaded a videos on to Facebook, and can ever so slightly move my others.

4 am continued

Sorry the IPad was having a tantrum, probably tired, and would not let me type no more. It is now 5.30 am and I look over at Soph and I feel a pang of jealousy. I want to be comfortable, all wrapped up and sleeping peacefully. It's so not fair, I know I have whinged about life not being fair... But it really isn't, what's the point in pretending?! It's so hard focusing on the next da when I have had none or by little sleep. I have little patience anyway, and well tiredness is not a good combination of me.

I am still in pain, how is that physically possible :( I go back to Stoke for a check up in a couple of weeks and I am going armed with my pain diary which I have been keeping and I am not leaving until they doing something. How hard is it just to up my drugs or change them. Anything.

So ranting on here has passed some time, it's weird this blog is now one of my friends, something I can trust. 

I'll leave it here for now and hopefully after some sleep I will come back and check in again.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ps 5.41 am

4 in the morning

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning,

But anyone can start today and make a new ending

  So it is 4 am, Wednesday 12th June 2013, and why am I awake so early? Well I never went to sleep because my lovely little friend called pain decided to pay me a late night visit the eve before. Getting settled to go to sleep and gradually the pain is becoming more and more intense, grabbed hold of me so quickly that within half an hour it had gripped my whole leg and had me screaming and crying for it to stop. It didn't. Medication,Oral Morphine, 4X Tramadol, Lavender drops on the pillow and pj top and massaging my foot and calf. Yet I am awake still being tortured by this pain, I am on edge, I can not relax as every few minutes it comes back, starts from my big toe, runs up to the back of the knee and back down again. Every so often it will take control of the whole leg and I have to put a cushion to my mouth to drown the screaming. Safe to say I am still a wimp when it comes to handling pain.

I fully appricate owning an IPad now, it has become my best friend during these long and lonely hours. Stalking through Facebook, although at this time there is nothing good going on. Playing (dare I say it?) CandyCrush. Do a bit of online window shopping,watch episode after episode of Come Dine With Me, however that's not alway a smart move as 9 times out of  0 it makes me hungry.

I realise I have not updated my blog in a while, you already know maybe a bit too much information about me  lol....wait did I tell you about the first time I did a 'proper number 2' haha a few lucky people were in receipt of a photo of that proud moment. Anyway, yes it's been a while and apologies to those who have kept up with me throughout this. This blog is part of me now, in a way it is helping me come to terms with what's happened. 

So I have been home for how long? coming up to 3 months now, gone so quick, only feels like yesterday that I arrived at rehab but in reality I am home, settled into my new home ( did I mention that I could not go back home and as a result had to move into an adapted flat.) and back at work - yay. Feeling quite proud that I managed to get back to work within 6  months.  I have only managed to achieve this by setting myself goals.. They started off so small in the beginning, my first one was something like sitting up on my own all the way to being able to stand up in the standing frame and then working towards being home by April. My next goal is to be full time back at work by the end of July.

What else is new... Oh I know, I have kittens - literally. Soph got them, as a present to cheer me up. I love them. Little Rory and Freddie, they have kept me company on my days off work ( don't be rolling your eyes now, I am not a crazy cat lady) . They were tiny when Soph brought them home, 
they have grown a bit now but actually look like a proper kitten size. They have comforted me when that brave mask of mine slips down, just by coming and sitting on me. So cute.

I went and picked my new wheelchair up on Saturday morning, this is the chair that suppliers at work funded for me for which I am forever greatful for. It is amazing, colours look lush, compact, super light. This chair took just over 3 weeks to design, built from scratch to fit me, shipped over from America and was still here for me before the chair I am due from the Wheelchair Service. The WCS is an actual joke, I went  there a week before I came home so back in March, they offered me a basic lightweight chair ( nothing) special, so why on earth it has taken this long I'll never know. I mean its not as if  I want the damn thing as an accessory. I need it. I can not walk. Maybe I didn't make it clear enough to them when I went there. I mean they already had the refferal from the physio at Stoke and fully assessed me on the day. It is pretty clear that I need one. So yeah the subject of the WCS gets me frustrated and angry.

These are the moments I'm going to remember the most.

Rock bottom became the solid foundation
On which I rebuilt my life.
(J.K. Rowling)

Getting in a wheelchair for the first time,
Being invited along to the pub to celebrate a birthday
Ordering take- way on to the ward
Getting rid of my curly hair
Being able to wash and dress myself
Being able to sit up on my own
Playing basketball for the first time
Scoring a basket in basketball ( after 3 months of playing)
Getting in the pool for the first time
Transferring on my own
Falling off the plinth in the gym
Going to town

The list could on and on, I have had many "first" moments during my time at Stoke and many that I am grateful for however small they sound. I can not even begin to describe to you how weak I was when I arrived at Stoke.

My days consisted of physio, occupational therapy, seeing a physiologist, sports and in the beginning I spent a lot of my spare time in bed, why? Well because I could only manage to sit up the chair for an hour or so at a time. It hurt- a lot, it was uncomfortable to get in and out of as the staff used a hoist. I didn't want to mix with anyone, why should I? I don't need them. My goal was to get home and quick. I hated it. I told all the nurses,the consultant, doctors basically anyone that would listen
that I would be home for the spring. My goal was to get home by April and back to work late spring. I was told that was wishful thinking and I should be prepared to be going home and returning to work around August time. I'll prove them wrong I remember thinking.

The day I arrived I shut my eyes as I was wheeled on my stretcher, I didn't want to see all these people in wheelchairs. To me I felt like I had reached the end of the road, this was my home now for the foreseeable future I had no choice. I felt mixed emotions and it wasn't until mum and dad left me that I fully took in what was happening, it was overwhelming and exhausting. How on earth was I going to get through this?! Sheer determination and hard work was the answer.

Ever had physio? Nope me neither. I thought it would be someone who would stretch my legs and massage them. How wrong I was. I was allocated my own physio and we went through everything from learning to sit upright, balancing, transferring from the chair to another surface using a sliding board, getting in and out of a car, weights, and finally after 12 weeks I was given the all clear from
the consultant and was able to use the standing frame. There were times where the physio was so intense it would bring tears to my eyes, mixture of pain, and sheer determination to finish what I was given to do. I never got one massage.

My fear of needles continued throughout my time spent at rehab and I refused to have the blood thinning injection, you are supposed to have this every day for 12 weeks after the accident. By me not having this injection meant my risk of developing a blood cot was 82%, I also delayed my Physio as no work was allowed to take place on my legs until the consultant said so. This just made me even more determined to build my upper body strength and quickly.

As time passed I realised that everyone here is in the same/similar situation and that it wouldn't hurt me to engage with them. I hit it off with a few guys from my ward and a few from different wards. I never met a single female in there with the same injury as me,apparently the injuries I sustained are more common in males. Always had to be the different one and cause more attention to myself.
Oops. Never a day of sick, then I go and have months off all in one go. Brilliant.

Every night I would try and get my toes to move, face screwed up in concentration trying with all my might, willing just a flicker, but nothing. I started trying to get my legs to move, night after night  I tried, suddenly my thigh flickered, confusion crossed my mind, I tried again slowly, it flickered again. Ahhhh. So tried again this time I filmed it just incase it never done it again. Next morning I tried again and it still moved. Sheer joy passed through me, I wanted to shout and cry all at the same time. A muscle was starting to work again. YES YES YES.

The smug look I had on my face when I 1) made it through the 12 weeks without developing a blood clot and 2) that I had managed to recover a tiny bit of muscle movement back. The Consultant was lost for words during that ward round.

27th March was set as provisional discharge date by myself and the rest of my team, I was warned it could change as in be moved back. There was noway I was going to let that happen.

I'll never forget my time during my rehabilitation, it helped me prepare for the start of my new life.

03/01/2013 - 27/03/2013

I'm smiling but I am close to tears

There are two ways you can get through pain, 

you can let it destroy you, 

or you can use it as a fuel 

to drive you to dream bigger and work harder.

Ever feel like no matter how hard you work and how hard you push and how hard you fight for your dream that there is always something waiting to pounce on you when you least expect it....I'm talking about neuropathic pain, the worst type of pain I have ever experienced ( ok so the break in spinal cord hurt but I can't remember that)

So I can not feel my right leg and foot yet I am feeling the most excruciating pain ever in my right foot... Figure that out?! I am used to a tingle of pain which I get most days but for the past week it has been so bad that I have had the night staff call doctors out on 3 separate nights and referred for an X-ray.The third doctor actually listened to me and allowed me to have a dose of morphine, instead of just saying take tramadol, now it didn't make the pain go completely but it made it more manageable.

Today (4th March) the pain has come bright and early, as if to say, 'ha you can handle me at night, now lets see how you cope during the day' smug bastard!  Epic fail today, back in bed by 11.30am, tried to stay up longer and do things to keep me busy, but it was so sharp and intense it was useless. 

I Feel like no matter how hard I try it is jut not good enough. I am useless at handling pain anyway, this accident hasn't made me into some super human who can handle anything. I'm still me, still the same person..

Today was another one of them days where I put on my face and my fake smile and my fake laugh is down to a T. I remember using the fake laugh once on one of my friends and she turned round and was like 'Stav that was your fake laugh' oops.  Here tho noone knows me so it's easy, smile, laugh, joke basically anything to get them on side and to leave me alone. I managed it for 3 months, until today.

Behind that smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes is a whole different person, one that rarely makes an appearance. That smile let me down today and the tears came, once they started they didn't stop.  

So many questions.... Why? How? What can be done? Does it get easer? Is it forever? Never given a straight answer... Frustrated, I have learnt the best way to get answers is to speak to the patients and not ask the doctors or consultants as let's face it, how do they actually know.They  have  learnt from a textbook. They have never felt the pain.  I am told by ex patients that the pain never really goes away but you learn to cope with the pain better as time goes on....( great just what I want to hear) so now the tears fall even harder not only do I have to spent the rest of my life in a wheelchair, I now have to manage the pain that comes with it. I sit here and wonder what on earth I did to deserve this life, they say life is'nt fair well guess what it really isn't. I think why me? Just when everything in my life was going so well and then in a matter of seconds I'm fighting for my life. I sit here and wonder why on earth I even agreed to let them treat me as surly death is better than living like this?! That would of been the easy option to choose, what I would give to be peaceful and pain free.  I don't want to live like this, dreams of walking down the isle on my wedding day-gone along with plenty of other dreams and plans. I find myself drifting back to the quote used to describe death.

"Your so lucky" " it could of been worse" are two of my pet hate sayings, I feel like shouting back ' how could it of been worse'.

There's more to a spinal cord injury than not walking...

Every closed eye is not sleeping,

                                         And every open eye is not seeing
 
So, lets start with my injuries....  T12 complete ( the T stands for the art of the spine that is injured, so in my case the lower part of the spine. The complete stands for no movement below the level of injury,) 3 fractures to the skull, haemorrhaging to the brain, operation to place a metal work fixation on my spine and being told I will never walk again is a lot to take in for any person - dont you agree....

Well unfortunately life isn't that kind, there's more to add to that list, how about adding going to the toilet, loss of sense of smell, short term memory problems.

For as long as I can remember I had a catheter in until I arrived at Stoke. I assumed I had it ( as most people would) because I was in hospital and doesn't everyone who's ill in hospital have one?. No one even mentioned the catheter to me, it became a part of me. AlI I knew was that my internal organs were fine and luckily still working. 

It became apparent slowly that the staff in Kings were trying to make me poo, the nurse came up to me and lowered her voice and said to me to give her a shout when I had gone. I asked her where are the toilets and will all the drips be oaky coming with me, she looked at me as if I spoke a foreign language and replied... "You go in the bed" . " what here? On the ward?" Was my shocked outburst and she nodded and carried on.  I can remember thinking, what?! No way am I 1) pooing in bed, 2) not on the ward, 3) what if I farted and it was loud and finally what if it smelt?! Nope not happening. End of.

So days, weeks went by and I still had the catheter in and I still hadn't been for a number 2. Medication was given to 'help' including the most disgusting drink ever, well after a mouthful of it, there was noway I was drinking that. As usual the family thought I was over reacting over this drink ( well who could blame after reading the previous blogs). So I got Sophie to drink some and it then became clear that I was not over reacting over this drink at all. It was gross. I was given some tablets to help me go, we'll after a few weeks I decided I didn't want them no more and just left them. I remember 'accidentally' knocking them on the floor...Opps.

On arriving at Stoke and talking to Mr Derry, trying to process the reality of my injuries, he then slips in bowel management and SIC, self intermmitent catherisation, brought back own to earth with a bump "WHAT". He explained that although the  bladder and bowel are working, I will no longer be able to feel when I need to go to the toilet so I have to retrain the bowel and bladder. Retrained to use the loo at 24, disgusted with myself, what have I done to myself, anger overcame me, why, why had no one said anything to me until now. 

 

24 and losing all dignity

Ego is just like dust in the eyes, 

Without clearing the dust,

You can't see anything clearly

So clear the ego.... And see the world

Imagine you are a 24 year old female, you are happy, you have great friends, the best social life, amazing partner, a good job and is totally independent...Now imagine having that life snatched away from you. I don't even know where to start, not being able to wash or dress, being fed by my sister and girlfriend, having my teeth brushed by someone, none of which should describe a young girl. 

One of my earliest memory's is being face to face with a nurse in kings, she was holding a sponge coming towards me saying  ' now let's get you washed' ,I automatically refused, I mean who at 24 wants someone else to wash them?!?! Her response was fine you do it yourself then and gave me the sponge, with all my might I tried to lift my head off the pillow and raise my arms - epic fail, who was I kidding, I couldn't even lift my head off the pillow let alone sit up and wash. So with great reluctance I gave in, I remember closing my eyes and cringing at the thought she would see my body.Something else I was going to have to get used to and deal with.

The bed washing continued pretty much until a couple of weeks after arriving at stoke. This was another hard obstical I had to overcome as a result of the injury. It made me feel like a child, I felt angry, I mean not walking is enough to try and deal with let alone having strangers wash me. As time went on I became a stronger until when at William Harvey I was able to help the nurses and wash my top half. This as a huge step for me and gave me a little bit of faith back and got me thinking maybe I can do this and get through this living nightmare.

I am a very body conscious person and very private about my body, well a least I was before 7th December 2012. I have lost count of the number of people who have seen my body, Lost count of the number of nurses saying the same bloody comment 'don't worry love, when you have children you lose all your dignity" ermm There is going to be no baby at the end of this.

 I don't have a lot of patience anyway and the nurses well and truley tested it. Hearing the same words over and over again, 'give it time, you will get stronger' well I didn't want to give it time and certainly couldn't see how in time I would get stronger. It's one of the loneliest feelings in the world being so incompetent, weak and feeling like a failure. There was no one who could really relate and understand, my way of dealing with this obstical was to laugh and make jokes about this horrific situation. 

 
Looking back over the past few weeks, I hate to say it, but yes in time I really did get stronger, one step a time, until finally now I can wash my whole body while in bed. ( Or quite easily have a shower but meh thats effort)The independence is coming back.

I will never walk again. Mr Derry's words to me

The most painful goodbyes are the ones never said,

                                    But the heart already knows it over....

 'Lets be honest Lauren,you will never walk out of here, but you will go out a lot better than what you arrived in'  Dr Derry Spinal consultant and surgeon (4th Jan 2013)

Look at the date that statement was written, nearly a full month after my fall. So lets rewind.

I remember waking in Kings and my legs wouldn't move, I couldn't move,I don't remember feeling any sort of panicky feeling. I just knew my legs weren't working. I started asking indirect questions about my legs and feet because I wanted to know if I began asking these questions would they be honest with the answers ,because nobody was was saying anything about my legs. Looking back it seemed like a really taboo subject.  I even got Sophie to massage cream into my feet, ha and my feet aren't the nicest things I inherited from the family, I blame dad. Anyway back on track..... I couldn't feel a thing, not the touch, nor the motion of massage, no sensation, was the cream hot or cold? I still don't know to this day.

I waited and waited for someone for bring it up with me, to clarify what I was thinking and nobody did. Phone back in hand, oh yes :) having a browse on Facebook ( being as drugged up as I was you still need a Facebook fix) and scrolling through the news feed and there it was in black and white..."Lauren will never walk again" So that was it,well its nice to know I can't walk again, didn't anyone think to tell me. Then I gave the phone to Sophie to read out the paragraph to mum as I couldn't, what a way to have my worst fears confirmed to me through facebook of all things. Still after that outburst no doctor/nurse and whoever else wears a uniform, came to see me. I don't remember feeling any sort emotion about this until I reached rehab on the 3rd January 2013. Which I will now share with you.

Mr Derry came to a see me on the 4th January 2013 and turned out to be a brutally honest and straight to the point guy, he relayed the above sentence to me ",Lets be honest Lauren,you will never walk out of here, but you will go out a lot better than what you arrived in" that's  when it hit me, tears were pouring down my face as I listened on , the words you never want to be put together in a sentence, the moment I realised that this nightmare is real and I am living it.

 I knew at that moment when he said the above words that I am NEVER going to walk again. I can not describe what emotions went through my mind?what, how, why, no not me. Amongst them thoughts was 'I am never going to the priz again '. How could my life change so much in a matter of hours? It's not fair! I even debated not to go out that night, why didn't I just say no. It's all my fault, I caused this to happen just because I didn't bail on my works Christmas meal. I felt sick, how am I ever going to live my life again, I couldn't picture it. I was and still am scared. My world fell apart.

I don't think the reality of it has sunk in, I dont think it ever will. I wouldn't say I have fully accepted what has happened but its done and I have to deal with it, what other choice do I have.  

I have never lost anything so precious to me, yet I have lost my old life and that in its self takes time to grieve something which I haven't fully mastered yet. Part of me is still clinging on too my past. I look back now and realise I had a pretty perfect life ( not that I ever realised it at the time)and now I face a future which I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I never said goodbye to my legs because as the quote says in my heart I already knew my legs had gone way before I spoke with Mr Derry.

The Move to Stoke Mandeville

"Stronger today than yesterday, but not as strong as tomorrow" (Lauren Staveley)

The best thing about Lauren being in Ashford was that all her friends and family who were unable to get to London were now able to go and see her and see for themselves just how well Lauren looked and how positive she was. A few of her friends were worried that it would be awkward but Lauren made it so easy for everyone visiting her which goes to show just what a strong individual she is. On Christmas Eve she had been told she had a place at Stoke Mandeville and she would be moving on the 3rd January. For her this was the best news she had heard since the accident because she could "get back to normal". For us, it was a relief that she had a place there so quickly because we had originally been advised it could be weeks or months before a bed in rehab became available. The sooner she got to Stoke Mandeville the sooner her recovery would truly begin.

I was due to go to Las Vegas on the 29th December for New Years so it meant I wouldn't be there to help Lauren get ready for her move. I had been unsure on whether I would still be going to Vegas considering the circumstances and when Lauren was in Kings I had said I wouldn't be going. How could I go and enjoy myself in Vegas when Lauren was lying in agony every day, her life changed forever. I just couldn't do it. Looking back now I only went because Mum & Dad said to go and so did Lauren's friends. I was worried that people would judge me for going and leaving her! Someone said to me though that the break would do me good and clear my head so when I got back to I would be mentally strong to help Lauren. I asked Lauren how she felt about me going to Vegas and if she didn't want me to go then I wouldn't. Her reply "you know I never wanted you to go in the first place" which is true, she had said it since I booked the holiday so I knew she didn't really mean it. Twice I went without her and I don't think she will ever forgive me for that!

Getting her things ready for Stoke Mandeville was hard. We had the list of what she would need, everything from toothpaste, to washing powder, clothes, socks, pjs... but it was difficult as to know where to start. I spent boxing day with Mum and Mark, not shopping in the sales, but buying Lauren's new stuff. We spent a fortune buying her everything she needed and it was difficult to know how many t-shirts would she need? What size would be best? Would just two shower gels be enough? It was the most stressful shopping trip I have ever done which wasn't helped by the "slow sale shoppers" getting in my way! Eventually we was done and Lauren had more toiletries than Superdrugs! I knew Lauren wouldn't appreciate Mum packing her stuff and as I wouldn't be there to do it after the 29th  I spent boxing day packing up all her stuff separating it into different vanity bags so she had everything from her make-up, her jewellery, her hair accessories, her clothes and photos. Trying to remember everything as well as 'homely touches' was hard but I think everything she needed was packed. I even labelled each bag showing exactly what was in the bag so it was easy for her to find everything (I know I really should get out more but it needed to be done)! I just remember thinking I should be packing for Las Vegas not shipping my sister of to a rehabilitation hospital.

The hardest part for me was not saying goodbye when I left her the day before my flight; it was knowing I wouldn't be there in the lead up to her moving. I wouldn't be there to get anything that might have been forgotten, to sort out a bill that might need paying or just be there for Lauren. That was the hardest. I just kept telling myself if I couldn't do it then Mum would or Dad would, or Abi, Sophie or one of her friends would do it. I was minutes away from not getting on the plane to Vegas as I panicked about leaving her as I just before boarding I thought what if she needs me, what if something happens and I'm away, what if I died in Vegas and I wasn't then going to be here to help Lauren (dramatic I know) but seriously these things go through your mind when something like this has happened to you. You stop thinking about yourself and you begin to look at the bigger picture and your life now becomes their life. Thankfully I survived Vegas, had a good of a time as possible considering the situation and the only time I was needed back in England was the day before Lauren moved to Stoke Mandeville as she was refusing to go because she didn't have a credit card and no-one knew where it was!

So that's it from me folks, its been emotional. Lauren moved to Stoke Mandeville on the 3rd January 2013 and was settled in St George's ward and that became her new home for the foreseeable future. Thank you for all taking the time to read this blog and please continue to read because it is now time for Lauren to take control of the blog and guide you through her inspirational 'learning to wheel" journey xxxx

Christmas 2012

"The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree- the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other"

Christmas is the time of year when you tend to reflect on the good times and the bad times over the previous year and appreciate what you have before enjoying a nice Christmas dinner with the family. However, it is also the hardest time of year should you have lost a family member or friend, have been struck by an illness or in our case, suffered a tragic accident with life-changing consequences.

I'd forgotten what it had felt like to smile and be happy until Lauren was moved back to WHH just in time for Christmas. It was the first time I'd felt happiness in weeks. As selfish as it sounds having Lauren in Ashford meant that instead of the 2hour car journey to London, it was 10mins up the motorway to see her Christmas Day. The thought of Lauren being alone on Christmas day was heart wrenching. I hated leaving her everyday anyway but Christmas Day was just different. Nobody wants to be alone then and thankfully Lauren wasn't. Christmas this year, however different it was, seemed to play out just like any other year. I woke up to my usual "Merry Christmas Leah" text from Lauren which was the best text received, went downstairs and opened presents with Dad, we had our traditional 'joint present'. One year Dad got a pair of socks and just split them so we had one each, this year it was shampoo for Lauren, conditioner for me.. except I opened both. Then we had breakfast, followed by a visit to Grandmas before I went to see Mum & Mark up Mark's mum with his family to play with Laurel's toys which this year was table football.. previous years have seen us launching toy rockets in the garden or playing on a pogo stick! Everything was normal except Lauren wasn't there and it was so hard acting normal and carrying on as best as you can. Then there was Christmas lunch with Mum, Mark, Abi, Sara-Jane & Tim. Again just a normal Christmas dinner but you couldn't help but notice the empty seat where Lauren was supposed to be. During dinner it got me thinking about past Christmas and how fun they used to be and a trip down memory lane was definitely required...

Christmas when we was children was always a big family affair, a proper traditional Christmas. Instead of stockings on the end of our beds we would have football socks, Lauren was always awake first and would come rushing to wake me up before rushing downstairs for presents. Bar the football socks this was how Christmas morning would play out every year until 2012. Lauren really is just like an excitable puppy when there is presents and food involved! We would then go round Grandmas for presents and then over to Nans for the rest of the day where we would have Christmas dinner and play games in the evening from charades to pictionary to trivial pursuit. One of the funniest times I remember is we was playing pictionary and Lauren had to draw a "Black Ball" so she attempted to draw the Black Bull Pub. I know this story bears no relevance to what has happened but it made me laugh when I just thought of it! There was also the 'annual' play that Lauren, Abi & I would do & record us using the camcorder for the evening entertainment, Grandad falling asleep in the chair, a usual Christmas day argument between the 'adults' before we would all crash & burn at Nans. Boxing day would be spent round Grandma's with Liam & Jack where we just ran wild playing hide & seek, 'crocodiles' over the kitchen floor & in recent years playing with those crazy fun balloons. These were the days when Christmas was just simply Christmas- food, fun and family.

I couldn't wait to get to the hospital once we had eaten to see Lauren. Dad and Sophie had been with her in the morning so she wasn't alone and then we arrived to see her in high spirits, complaining at her Christmas dinner. You may have realised that we like to take photos when the three of us our together so Lauren, Abi & I needed the annual Christmas photo. Naturally we all complained, Lauren's hair hadn't got any better, if it was possible it had gotten worse so we put a Santa's hat on her.. bless her! She may be complaining about the Santa hat now but back then she enjoyed wearing it. The rest of the afternoon just passed so quickly watching her open her presents and just generally chatting. It may not have been the Christmas day we had all planned but being together and having Lauren awake and conscious and in Ashford was the best present Santa could have brought :) In the evening her friend Steph came and kept her company until visiting ended. I've said it before in the blog and I will say it again- Lauren truly has some of the best friends you could possibly hope for. Steph spending it with her friend and not her own family just goes to show how much love and support Lauren has from her friends.

With Christmas day drawing to a close for another year I spent the evening not playing  silly games but spent it was Mum writing a list of what Lauren needed for when she got moved to her new home in Stoke Mandeville on the 3rd January 2013...

The Strength of Friendship & Coming Home for Christmas

"The greatest battle one has to face is whether to give up or carry on; to battle against one's own mind. Once this battle has been won you can move forward & open up doors to new opportunities, new strengths & new challenges" (Leah Staveley, 2013)
 

After Jack's quote on the last post I felt like I needed to come up with my own. Good huh?! With each day we saw Lauren get a little stronger, from sitting up a little bit more to cleaning her own teeth, it was only tiny steps which would lead to big leaps in her recovery. The more she was willing to do things for herself, the quicker her recovery would be and thankfully she saw it this way to.

Lauren not being able to walk again was still a taboo subject. How do you tell a 24 year old who had everything to live for that she was unable to walk again? It was a subject that none of us wanted to address. We all questioned whether or not Lauren was aware of the severity of her injuries, I believed she did know deep down she couldn't walk again. One day at the hospital she told Sophie she knew what her injuries were and said "a fractured spinal cord, fractured skull, no feeling from the waist down and a chipped tooth". She knew she couldn't move her legs or feel them and who knew what went through her mind when she was laying in dark every night. I was petrified that she would ask me about her legs but however selfish this sounds I was thankful she didn't. The only mention she of her legs was asking to make "sure they weren't touching", to make "sure they were straight" and to make "sure they were covered up". It was horrible; for some reason I was scared to touch her legs. I think I thought that how could I touch my sisters legs when she can no longer feel them herself. When Abi & I were at Kings Lauren had said she got out of bed today in the hoist seat but didn't like it because she was scared, she said she "could see her legs moving but couldn't feel them". I can't even begin to imagine what that must feel like except a very harrowing experience. It wasn't until she had been moved back to WHH that she, and the rest of us, began to broach the subject of walking.

When everyone first found out about Lauren, all her friends wanted to come and visit and show their support which was overwhelming. Lauren, however, didn't want anybody to see her how she was because she was scared of what people would think. I believed though it would do her good to see some friends just so she knew that no matter what they were there for her. I arranged with her old school friends- Lauren, Leanne, Brooke & Gemma- that if anyone was going to come and visit her that it would be them first and they couldn't wait to see her. Their visit was arranged for the 22nd December, two weeks after the accident. Lauren was worried about their visit and the day before had wanted me to cancel it but I said no I wasn't go. Its not like I forced the visit on her but I just knew that it would be good for her to see them and I was right (although Lauren will never admit it!). I said to her that day the sooner she starts to listen to me then sooner she will realise I am usually 99% right with what I say! Below are a few messages from the girls after they had seen Lauren...

"I remember I felt sick on the journey up & then just pure relief when I saw her. You hear someone is ok but sometimes you just need to see it for yourself. She was moaning about the sandwich guy not coming to ask her if she wanted anything anymore because she had asked him if the crisps were free! I loved that, it was just Lauren. The horrible bit was leaving her again knowing we wouldn't see her for a while..." (Brooke)

"Was really nervous to see her as she didn't know about not being able to walk & scared she would ask but once we arrived and found out Lauren was aware felt a little better because then we wasn't lying to her. I was also nervous about how she would be with us but as son as we started talking to her it was just the same Stav & everything was normal. She ranted about the nurses & other patients & everyone fussing. She kept saying how bad she looked but she's looked worse hungover before! Leaving her before Christmas made me sad as such a rubbish time of year but felt better knowing she was starting to accept her new life & that she wasn't letting it change her as a person & for her to know that we haven't changed towards her...(Lauren).

"I didn't know what to expect and was scared but also looking forward to seeing her. When I saw her she looked like Lauren apart from her crazy hair! To me she seemed ok considering what had happened. She was just like a hungover Lauren. She still had her sense of humour that I love about her and didn't make a fuss. She has done so well and I'm so proud of her. I love her to pieces. She really is an inspiration..." (Gemma).

"When we walked into the hospital it was a strange feeling. We saw Leah and she explained how Lauren had been and if she was rude then don't take it to heart. We know how Lauren can be blunt and that's why we love her so we always knew not to take it to heart. In my head I just kept thinking, oh she will be fine and will be back to her normal self. As time went on we realised that wasn't the case. I was worried to see Lauren as I didn't know what to expect. I was surprised as she looked like Lauren. I had a horrible fear she would look really poorly and sick. But apart from the Afro she had going on it was Lauren. It was so lovely to see her. She automatically made us laugh about the chanting women opposite her. That's when I think we all realised, phew we haven't lost her. She was so open and honest about it. We were worried to say anything or ask questions. But Lauren wanted to talk to us about it. We went away feeling so much better for seeing her. I think it was the fear of the unknown. I still can't get over how incredibly brave and positive she has been through all this. She truly is one of the bravest people I know. Although life is different now, she's still the bubbly Lauren that we all know and love. We will never let her be on her own and will love her no matter what. We were just so glad to see that she was still here and still herself. Leah was surprised she wasn't rude to us :) but I think not only did seeing Lauren help her, it helped us too. I hope we distracted her for a few hours. If not I'm sure the presents helped..." (Leanne)
 

The girls weren't the only ones that loved Lauren. Over the course of the week friends turned to facebook to express their love for Lauren. One night I went on facebook and my entire newsfeed was just filled with people changing their facebook pictures to ones of them and Lauren. It was really quite emotional the love and support she had and still has. People that I didn't even realise were close with Lauren changed their photos to show their support. Friends began to write on Lauren's wall. Just simple messages of "X X X" or "love you Stav" or "Thinking of you, be strong". Simple messages often have the biggest of meanings. I hadn't updated facebook since the accident, apart from changing my photo,(longest time ever without an update!) but the night the girls left the hospital I was lying in bed at Julie's listening to the most annoying 'tick tock tick tock' of Ben's clock when I decided to write a message to Lauren. What to write though? I wrote the first thing that came to mind, her favourite song, Rule The World.

That night as we left the hospital the Sister called Mum to say that they were looking at  moving Lauren back down to William Harvey because Kings had done all they could for Lauren now and until she got her place at either Stoke Mandeville or Stanmore, WHH could provide her with the right care. Stanmore had been to assess Lauren but she had not been too impressed with them saying that all they were doing was "selling" the hospital to her! It had been explained to her that whichever hospital had the bed first would be the one she goes to. Anyway, the Sister explained that all being well Lauren could be moved the next day (Sunday 23rd December) but it wouldn't be confirmed until that day and there was no time. Thankfully Mum & I were staying at Julie's so we was only a 40minute tube journey away should she go. Mum decided it was best not to tell Lauren of this possible move because if it all fell through Lauren would just get angry and upset. We also didn't tell anyone else because again it could potentially just be getting everyones hopes up for no reason. Thankfully on the Sunday morning we got the phone call to say she was being moved around lunch time.... yippeee!

Lauren was understandably excited about being moved back to WHH and so was I. It meant that on Christmas Day she would be as close to home as possible and just felt like her leaving Kings was progress in itself. All we had to do now was wait for the ambulance to arrive to take her back. She wanted McDonalds again so I did the power walk/ run down to McDonalds again (at least this time I was prepared for how far it actually was), Mum packed up all the cards people had sent up as well as all the other bits and pieces that turned up over the two weeks so they were all ready to go. In typical NHS style we got told she would be leaving at 12pm and then 2pm and then at 3:30pm I said to Mum I was going to leave to get home (Mum was allowed in the ambulance). I think she finally left around 6pm but at the end of the day she was on her way back home, well as close to it as possible!

Cousin Love, First Photos & I-Pad Joy

"Be strong, be brave and smile" (Jack Staveley, 2012)

I was struggling for a quote to start off this next post as it was hard to try to find the right one. Did I want a quote that was inspirational, one that was about strength or a life quote? I googled and I could not find 'the quote' that was fitting for this next section and then I opened the blue notebook that we used as a mini-diary in Kings and on the first page was the above message from Jack (our cousin) and I thought that was perfect. The blue book we had at Kings was just so whoever visited Lauren could just write down what had happened when they had been there or any messages for Lauren that we could look back on. Following the success of the operation we witnessed Lauren go from strength to strength and her interact more with visitors.

On the Monday following her operation (17th December) Dad & I travelled in convoy with Neil and Jack up to Kings so they could visit Lauren. Before we even set off for the journey I knew something comical was going to happen because to be fair this is Dad and Neil aka Dumb and Dumber. We was fine until we reached London and lost Neil at some traffic lights so we pulled over in a car park and waited for them. As they drove past you saw the look of realisation on Jacks face as they passed us! It was one of those moments when you can't help but laugh. Neil ended up going round the roundabout 5 times waiting for us to catch up. I felt guilty to be laughing as you do feel guilty to laugh when someone you love is not laughing but it reminded me of when we was younger and we all went on a family outing over to Margate and Dad thought it was funny to go round the roundabout loads of times and everyone else who was following us just went round and round as well. So back to Lauren, we arrived eventually with no more roundabout dramas and they got to see Lauren. Jack naturally got told of by the nurse for sitting on her bed (if anyone was going to cause trouble it would be him!) and Lauren remembered it had been his birthday not that long before the accident which was a good sign (especially as I was still concerned about her memory loss)!

Reading back through the blue book is quite funny. On the 18th December, Grandad and Sara-Jane visited and Grandad's note says "looking great, nice smile, must eat & drink more". Sara-Jane's message was more in depth, saying Lauren had physio today and they bent her knees up to get her legs moving but Lauren was in too much pain and she again "needs to eat & drink more". She also comments that she made Lauren laugh however hasn't stated how. Although I suspect that whatever happened wasn't very funny & Lauren probably laughed just to humour her! Lauren has since told Abi that one of the things she does remember from Kings is pretending to be asleep a lot of the time so she didn't have to speak to many people! Typical Lauren. The next day Lauren still wasn't eating and when Mum asked what she wanted she said a McDonalds. There was a McDonalds not too far from the hospital so I said to Lauren I would go down and get her one. Obviously like everything in life you think its closer than what it actually is and the quick two minutes down the road was more like 15minutes! I power walked down there and then ran pretty much the whole way back to the hospital- I must have looked like a fat kid who was too eager to eat their food- but I got back to the hospital with the food still warm. It was nice to see her eating food again, even if it was only a little bit but anything was better than nothing. She was fairly chatty after her big mac and was telling Mum that carole singers had come round the ward the day before singing hymns. She then gave us her rendition of "Oh come all ye faithful" which I'm sure will get her a stint on the X Factor once she's better! I don't know if it was the medication or she has found a new singing gene but over the next few days she continued to randomly start singing whether it be "Brown girl in the Ring" or "I want to be like you" from the Jungle Book with her monkey impression!

On the Thursday of that week it was Abi's birthday and off we went. At the time of the accident Abi was sunning herself in Mexico so was oblivious to what had happened. That post holiday euphoria soon ended when she was met at the airport. As children, Lauren, Abi and I were inseparable. We wasn't just cousin we were as close as sisters. As you grow up though you naturally grow apart and we wasn't as close as we had been. I asked Abi how she felt when she heard what had happened to Lauren and her response "broken, literally broken, hurt & just wanted to click her fingers and be at the hospital". It just makes you realise how important family is. We had our annual birthday grandchild photo as well for nan. Every birthday we have to get together and have a photo of the three of us and we asked Lauren if we could have one as it would make nan happy (although it made her cry!) and Lauren agreed. Our first photo which is a special one as to me as it documents the start of a new life, not just for Lauren but for everyone. The photo now takes pride of place on my shelf much to Lauren's disgust! Poor old Abi spent her birthday cleaning Lauren's nails and hands before painting them Christmas red! It got them talking about when Lauren had her operation on her ear when she was 15 (I think) and Abi stayed indoors with her the whole summer holidays, keeping her company, massaging her feet and painting her nails. Memories like that are just precious.

Lauren has always been, and always will be, someone who likes presents, whether it be a bag of cheesy doritos or a designer handbag so when I told her I had a present for her I saw the excitement in her eyes. Work had done a collection following the accident and wanted to get Lauren something to show everyone was sending their love to her and they decided to put the money towards an I-Pad. She has wanted one for ages so I knew she would be ecstatic to have one at last. It was wrapped and when she went to unwrap it she said "take a photo of me unwrapping it" a clear sign she was starting to get her personality back. When she saw it was an I-Pad she smiled the first real smile I had seen since the accident. Me and technology just do not mix but thankfully our geeky younger cousin Liam was there the same day I gave her the I-Pad. He was able to show her, and then me, how to use the I-pad and explain how to download films onto it. I was so scared of having to look after it and be in charge of downloading what she wanted on it incase I broke it! Thankfully though it survived its time with me and my first attempt at downloading went well with Harry Potter ready and waiting for when Lauren was able to watch it....