A Year On

‘Anybody who has gone through a life-changing experience will tell you there is a different understanding of what is real and what is important, and when you are going through different moments you can reflect and go, ‘ I have been through worse’

The past year has been one I will never forget and all for the wrong reasons. As December looms all I can think about is the 7th December- the date my life changed forever; my very own doomsday. It marks the year anniversary of when the accident happened. As December has got closer all I have thought about is 'this time last year..' I have no end to that sentence. 

The closer we have got to December I have become more inquisitive. Over the year I have not wanted to think about that night too much as it’s like mentally torturing myself. However, the closer we have got to that fateful night the more I have thought about it and the more questions I have asked. I have spoken to all my friends, asking them how they found out about the accident, who told them, how it was said. It appears Leah had the job of having to break that news to a few of them and ask them to in turn tell the rest of my friends. What a job for my little sister to have to do ay! I am still at a loss as to what actually happened that night. Not one piece has come back to me. My last memory is still walking into The View with Kieron. I know that it is probably for the best that I do not remember the actual fall and what happened after but there is part of me that does want to remember everything. The fall, the lying in the cold waiting to be found, being found, being taken to WHH, the pain, the screaming, the look of terror, worry & sadness on my parents & Leah’s faces when they arrived at A&E that night. The same questions of how did I fall? Why did my bag end up in a pub at the bottom of the hill? Who stole my money? Who found me? Most importantly though why was I on my own? How did I end up on my own? Why was I left throwing up, in the middle of December, by myself, instead of waiting for me? Questions I will not know the answers to but will always think about. I know Leah has found the last question the hardest. She said at the time she cannot comprehend how people just left a girl throwing up on her and still now she is looking for the answer.

Emotions are running high at this time of year. One minute I am fine, the next I seem to be having a mini breakdown. When I sit there and look back over the year, I can honestly say, I do not know how I have done it. People say I am an inspiration but really what is the alternative? Sit and wallow in depression, allow the ‘what ifs’ to swallow me up and ultimately give up? No. I have put simply ‘just got on with things’. When my family were first told the news I would never walk again they were told that I could be in rehab for up to a year. A whole year away from my life, my family, my friends. However, my stubbornness prevailed and on 27^th March, just 4 months after the accident I was home, well not home, but in my new home, my flat where my new life was just beginning. Second to my goal of getting home, was to return to work. Something I achieved on the 14^th May. Almost everybody said I was returning to work too soon. I mean here I was a girl, 25 years old, who had just had a life changing accident, couldn’t walk, mentally and emotionally at my lowest, returning to work which would just put added stress on me but honestly going back was the best thing I could have done. Those 8 hours I am in the office, I am there to work. The disabilities are forgotten, the chair is forgotten and I feel like my old self again. There is no time to dwell on the what ifs when I am in the office. It seems strange to say that I have been back at work for longer than the time I was off sick! The thing that keeps me going is a career. Just because I sit down does not mean I am going to stop pursuing a career.

So much has happened throughout the year. As I look back and reflect on the year and the previous blog entries, I realise how far I have come.  I have never known so much to happen in just one year; just thinking about it exhausts me. Along with everything else I have had to cope with my relationship has also broken down but can you really blame it? The accident threw a spanner in the works! Now I had to deal with living alone. I couldn’t go home to Leah & Dad because of the house so I was left with little choice. The thought of living on my own did and still does scare me. I think how on earth am I going to cope? What if I have a fall and I’m there by myself? But I am doing it now and so far so good. It is just another hurdle I have to overcome- all these hurdles I keep having to jump over I should be a pro at jumping them by now! I know that although I live alone there is always someone at the end of a text who would come round should I get into difficulty.

Another hurdle I have had to overcome is finding out who my true friends are. I was told at the beginning I would know who is a real friend and who is just an accomplice and its sad that this is the case. Yes I cannot walk but I am still me. My true friends have been amazing and they know who they are. My oldest school friends have always been the best support I could ever ask for. I have been a hermit lately, not wanting to go out because I haven’t felt like it so I haven’t seen my friends as much as I should have. However, I know that all I have to do is pick up the phone and they are there. They come round, we go out, they help me with my car, help me stand, help me with my exercises and also put up with my mood swings. The help and support I get from my friends has been phenomenal. What I have lost in other friends I have gained in forming stronger and better relationships with those I know will not let me down.

I am told that I need to focus on the positives but it is hard, so hard. What is positive about not being able to walk again? Being in a wheelchair is the hardest thing I have, and ever will, have to deal with. My biggest frustration is realising nothing takes 5 minutes anymore, rushing around, banging into things, will I fit through that door, and is there a toilet near? I cannot just pop to sainsburys anymore. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. So the positives of this year? Coming home, getting back to work, gaining the movement back in my legs, getting my car, transferring into my car on my own, living on my own but most importantly, the news my sister gave us back in April that she was expecting a baby. I was out with Leah & Abi for lunch one Saturday and she just sprung it on us. I didn’t believe her even though she showed us a scan with ‘Leah Staveley’ written on it. It seemed so surreal, my sister was going to be a mum and her bump just grew and grew and grew. It just didn’t stop growing. She was due on the 19^th December but baby Harry got bore and arrived on the 23^rd November. It’s a shame he couldn’t make it the 22^nd November as that would mean we had 4 birthdays in a row- my granddads, mine, and Jacks. The first time I held him was amazing. I haven’t smiled like that since before the accident. I love him.

This past year has been one that I quite frankly cannot wait to say goodbye to. I have gone through one of the worst life changing accidents a human being could have. There is no magic cure for paralysis. All I can do is adapt my old life to my new life and conquer the hurdles and challenges as and when they present themselves to me. It has been a difficult year and I have felt at my lowest. Constantly in pain. I try not to let it rule my life but it is hard. I didn’t even feel like celebrating my birthday this year. Not only was I coping with the upcoming anniversary, the doctors gave me the wrong medication in November so I was ill, had no appetite and was sick for pretty much the whole month. I then caught that awful sickness bug which left me feeling empty and more tired than usual.

A year ago, I was told the devastating news that I would not walk again and because my injury was so sever there is no chance of ay feeling or movement coming back to me. I have already said in one of the past blogs, that I had a flicker return in my left thigh, so tiny I had to hold my hand next to it so you could see it move. Now I have so much more movement in my left leg. It has got stronger and with daily exercises I can now start to move it against gravity. For example instead of just moving it up and down, I can drag my knee up into my chest. I have finally managed to get my right leg to so something. It is not huge but a few months ago my right leg did nothing and now I can get it to move and flicker. I am waiting to see Mr Derry for my year on appointment, this is where I have MRI scan, ultrasound and X-rays all carried out again to see if there is any chance since the last time I had them done. I am determined still to take a few steps and the only way I get to have a go at that is my using calipers (leg braces). The decision lies with Mr Derry. My future lies in the hands of one man. My consultant.